Should I punch my abusive father's face?

Dear Diet Coke Talk: When I was a kid, my father used to beat me a lot. Sometimes with a steel rod. Now I'm all grown up and have a job and haven't seen him for a decade. I've always tried to forget all that shit and move on. But I've never found peace of mind. And recently, I haven't been able to sleep properly. I'm getting this strong urge to punch his face. Just once. Something inside me tells that everything will be fine and I will lead a normal happy life if I just punch his face once.

Should I punch him?

Sincerely,
Bob

Bethany: Bob, honey, what your father did to you is wrong, just wrong. He's left with you a wound that's never healed, not even long after he's stopped physically hurting you. But what you have to understand is that punching him is just gonna make you feel better for a little while. It is not going to solve the problem permanently.

Darlene: Because he'll still be alive.

I just got out of jail and I need help.

Dear Diet Coke Talk:

I just got out of prison after doing twelve years for a crime that I didn’t commit, stuck wearing the same ugly chinos and crocs I was arrested in. My wife left me, after suing me for the house (and winning), my kids hate me and don’t want to see me at all, my dog died five years into the stretch, and I never graduated high school, so I don’t have much hope at a career (I’m dictating this letter to my halfway-house sponsor). So my question is this: do you think the chinos and crocs look will ever be back in style?

Bethany: Oh, honey, I am so, so, sorry.

Darlene: Both of our hearts go out to you.

Bethany: And I hate to have to say this to someone in your situation, but you are asking the wrong question.

Darlene: That's right.

Bethany: Sweetie, chinos and crocs were never in style. I'm sorry. I can't pull any punches here. I tell it like it is.

When is violent revolution justified?

Dear Diet Coke Talk: do you think violent extremism in defense of liberty is an acceptable resort? what if it's in opposition to an overwhelmingly powerful tyrannical despot?

Bethany: Well, as cagey and sharp as Darlene and I are, I have to confess that politics is simply not our strong suit.

Darlene: Oh, not at all. Ask me a question about anti-aging supplements, honey, and I am all over it.

Bethany: I know what you mean. My house is filled to the brim with matcha green tea and pomegranate juice and St. John's Wort and placentas, you name it.

How can I get rid of my devil baby?

Dear Diet Coke Talk:

One week ago, my wife Ionna called to tell me that she was pregnant; However, we haven't seen each other in over a year, as I have been doing overseas work in Finland (I work in the commodities market, primarily fish). This fact, plus the letters she has sent me describing her friendship with the new Pastor at our church (whom she describes as "kind" and "handsome"), and the strange calls I have received from my church friends regarding my wife "sneaking out" with the Pastor after service has led me to believe that she has been involved with some sort of satanic ritual cult; and that her pregnancy is an immaculate conception via the Devil Himself!

I fear for the safety of both my wife and her Pastor friend, but I don't know how to approach the subject of an abortion tactfully. Subtlety is not my strong point. Please tell me what to do.

Sincerely,
Frank Putz

Bethany: Wow. Frank, honey, you know we are not here to judge, but we are going to have to just come right out and be straight with you.

Darlene: It's like a Biore nose strip, the best way is to just pull the whole thing off at once.

Should I Get Chestal Reduction Surgery?

Dear Diet Coke Talk:

I have been thinking for a while now about getting breast reduction surgery done on the chestal portion of my body. Now, I think that it would be a good thing as far as easing the pains in my back and such, but my dad told me it would be an affront to God Almighty, and then he had one of his fits. Do you think I should go ahead with it or not?

Sincerely,
Walter


Bethany: Now, Walter, honey, the first thing you need to know is that we are not here to judge.

Darlene: No, sir, a man's breasts are his own business.

Bethany: Having said that, you have no business having breasts in the first place. It was a very foolish decision and I hope you see the error of your ways, young man.

Darlene: But we're not judging you.

How do you know when a guy is "the one"?

Dear Diet Coke Talk: How do you know when a guy is the one? I have been dating my boyfriend for 5 years, and he wants to get married. I really like him and I'm not interested in anyone else, but it just seems like I would be able to feel something more if he was the one. You know, like in them movies.


Bethany: Oh honey, let me tell you, we've all been there.

Darlene: Mmm-hmm.

Bethany: You watch your movies, your Snow Whites, and your Titanics, and Sleepless in Seattle...

Darlene: And Terminator.