I just got out of jail and I need help.

Dear Diet Coke Talk:

I just got out of prison after doing twelve years for a crime that I didn’t commit, stuck wearing the same ugly chinos and crocs I was arrested in. My wife left me, after suing me for the house (and winning), my kids hate me and don’t want to see me at all, my dog died five years into the stretch, and I never graduated high school, so I don’t have much hope at a career (I’m dictating this letter to my halfway-house sponsor). So my question is this: do you think the chinos and crocs look will ever be back in style?

Bethany: Oh, honey, I am so, so, sorry.

Darlene: Both of our hearts go out to you.

Bethany: And I hate to have to say this to someone in your situation, but you are asking the wrong question.

Darlene: That's right.

Bethany: Sweetie, chinos and crocs were never in style. I'm sorry. I can't pull any punches here. I tell it like it is.

Darlene: Unless you're Mario Batali.

Bethany: I guess it would be acceptable if you were Mario Batali. Now, Darlene, do you remember if Mario Batali has been in jail for the past 12 years?

Darlene: Oh certainly not, Bethany. What on earth would he have been arrested for?

Bethany: Wearing chinos and crocs perhaps?

Darlene: Well, then they wouldn't be letting him out now, would they? Ha ha ha!

Bethany: Ha ha! Oh Darlene, you are such a card.

Darlene: I simply can't help myself. Anyway, Mario, dear, listen to me. You have to get rid of those horrible clothes. Immediately.

Bethany: Get yourself something fashionable and modern. Like a pair of plaid pants and a lovely sweatervest. My Darryl is absolutely fetching in the sweatervest I made for him last year.

Darlene: Oh, the one with the reindeer? That was just darling. If Mario doesn't want to go with a sweatervest, he could try a cardigan as well.

Bethany: Oh, yes, those are very dashing. And he'll need new shoes too. I think he can't go wrong with loafers.

Darlene: Or white orthopedic tennis shoes. I used to wear those all the time when I was nursing. What a lifesaver! (sluuuuuurp)

Bethany: Well, it looks like that's the last of our Diet Cokes. (sluuuuuurp) Yep. Thanks for reading Diet Coke Talk and hope to see you next time!